Nearly five years after the tragic death of “Glee” star Naya Rivera, her ex-husband Ryan Dorsey sat down with People to talk about losing her and revealed the effects it has had on their son Josey Dorsey. Rivera drowned while taking their son out on a rental boat to go fishing at Lake Piru in Ventura County, California.

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The outlet reported that Josey was nervous about swimming in the windy weather but that his mom encouraged him. Josey recalled to his dad that the boat started floating off and Rivera told him to go after it. By the time he got to the boat, it was too late for his mom.  Ryan told People, “He said that the last thing she said was his name, and then she went under, and he didn’t see her anymore.” However, the police reported that Rivera’s last moment was a final heroic act.

Josey, who is now 9 years old, has repeatedly told his father that he feels like he didn’t do enough to save his mom, with Ryan revealing that something Josey has “said over and over is that he was trying to find a life raft, and there was a rope, but there was a big spider on the rope, and he was too scared to throw it.” It’s a gut wrenching detail, especially given the fact that Josey was only 4 years old at the time. Thankfully Ryan said, “I keep reassuring him, ‘Buddy, that rope wasn’t going to be long enough.'” 

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Now the father-son duo are attempting to piece their life together, with Ryan struggling with grief, much like how Rivera’s family is coping with her death.  Ryan struggled with the guilt of wondering what could have gone differently had he been there, telling People, “Could I have saved her if I’d been there, which the hero in me thinks I would, thinks nothing would have happened,” before adding, “but maybe there was something crazy that happened, like these rumors of undercurrents, and all this, you know the history of the lake.” But after analyzing all the different outcomes, Ryan acknowledged that if he had been there, and did jump in, he could’ve been in danger too – which would have left Josey without either parent. Acknowledging the silver lining of Josey making it safely back to the boat, Ryan added, “If we’d have lost both Naya and Josey, I don’t know how I would continue on with my life. I don’t know what I would’ve done, but I’m sure it wouldn’t have been good.” The difficult thought reminds us of another ex of Rivera’s who offered a bittersweet tribute.

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Ryan has since relocated him and Josey to his home state of West Virginia so that he can be closer to friends and family. And according to Ryan’s Instagram, it looks like Josey is following in the footsteps of both mom and dad as a burgeoning actor, with Ryan captioning the above photo of the two, “So proud of my guy [Josey]! Just wrapped his 2nd production onstage with the Children’s Theatre of Charleston. We’re all so proud of you Josey! Keep being brave, taking risks, exploring, playing, and living your best creative life!”