“I stopped waiting to start my life with somebody” – why women are shunning dating
Date after date, 33-year-old Kelsey Grist was left disappointed and drained.
The production manager from Rhode Island kept hoping her dating apps experience would improve, but it didn’t. So, around two years ago, she deleted them. “I decided I was going to stop waiting to start my life with somebody and just start pursuing the goals that I had intended with a partner,” Kelsey told The Independent.
Now she is a homeowner, sharing her home with friends, a married couple who rent one of her rooms. She values her financial independence, ability to travel anywhere at the drop of a hat and has learnt she is happier single. “I found that I just have access to so much peace and joy in my life when I’m not being made to feel the ways that these men have made me feel,” she said.
Kelsey represents a growing number of American women shunning dating and embarking on life without a romantic relationship.
Single women are, on average, more content with their relationship status than men, a 2024 study found, and the number of single women looking for love has declined. In 2019, 38 percent of single women were looking for a romantic relationship. By 2022, that had dropped to 35 percent, a Pew Research survey found. By comparison, 50 percent of single men were looking for a romantic relationship in 2022, down from 61 percent in 2019.
Women are also outpacing men when it comes to college education – 47 percent aged between 25 and 34 have a bachelor’s degree, compared with 37 percent of men, according to Pew Research. And homeownership among single women is also ticking upward. In 2022, 50 percent of single women without children owned their homes compared to 47 percent of single men, Pew also found.
Women are finding they don’t need a partner — or the traditional norms.
The moderator of the subreddit /SingleAndHappy community, who asked not to be named for privacy reasons, told The Independent the community has grown from 10,600 subscribers to 17,400 in the last 12 months.
“I created it because there’s so much stigma around not being in a couple, not being married, and it always bothers me. I’ve never wanted the traditional white picket fence life,” the mod said. “So I was like, all right, let me create a community for people like me who also don’t want to be pigeon-holed into these conventional expectations.”
Single women, many who belong to that Reddit community, told The Independent that the decision to actively stop searching for “the one” was “liberating.”
Instead, some have pursued becoming homeowners, prioritized their high-flying careers, traveled the world and become mothers. All say they have cherished the life-affirming friendships and relationships formed outside the traditional romantic ones.
Like many women in their 30s, Kelsey was daunted by the idea of declining fertility. But not anymore. “Once I realized the biological clock is not the be all and end all of my ability to love and have relationships with children, I was like, ‘You know what?’ I could meet somebody in my 50s or in my 60s,” she said. “It ain’t over till it’s over.”
For 28-year-old civil engineer Phoebe Glazko, originally from Chicago and now living in suburban Detroit, a relationship ending amicably brought her clarity on the role of romantic relationships in her life.
“He was really special,” she told The Independent. “He was wonderful in many ways. But I realized that I’m still happier single,” she said, adding that she is not looking to get married “ever.”
“I think relationships in general are a series of compromises,” Phoebe continued. “And I’m not a compromising person. I like to be able to decide on a whim, go somewhere or I don’t want to go somewhere.”
Phoebe is also a homeowner. “It’s really comforting that I, alone, can afford somewhere and I don’t need to rely on someone financially,” she said.
Independence takes on many forms. Vicki Eberts, a 33-year-old coffee shop manager from Ohio, previously hoped she would find that “grand, romantic love,” but stepping back from the dating scene gave her perspective.
“Looking back, I now see a little kid with some attachment issues not knowing how to be fulfilled without the attention of others,” she said. “Knowing that now, I can understand that it wasn’t romantic love I was actually looking for, but something else.”
After a three-year relationship came to an end in 2023, Vicki found herself becoming more content as each day passed. “I feel whole,” she said. “I don’t have to play-act or placate anyone else.”
Vicki, who studied history in the U.K. for five years, said she never dreamt of marriage or having children but instead sought a life of travel and adventure.
“I realized recently that I love being single for the same reasons I am permanently childfree by choice: I feel free,” she said.
And the decline of dating isn’t just in heterosexual relationships. San Diego native Sofie Champassak, 38, who is gay, decided to stop dating around two years ago and has been celibate since October 2023.
“I’ve dated, had several long-term relationships, been monogamous and poly, was married, tried again and have accepted that we never know where a relationship may go, as hard as you try and as much as you love,” the clinical psychologist said. “The outcome of whether it works out or not isn’t up to you.”
After her marriage ended in 2018, Sofie said she entered into a monogamous relationship in 2021 that has since ended. “I think being married, trying again in my mid-late 30s, and not having things work out just allowed me to let go of control,” she said. “I’ve learned that we’re continuously growing as individuals and sometimes the person you’re with isn’t growing with you or alongside you. As I’ve poured a lot into my relationships and my previous partners, I am happy to pour so much more into myself.”
There is also a growing movement of women who are choosing to become mothers without finding a partner first.
Casey Alexander, originally from Minnesota, is 41 and expecting her first child in June. She had previously been “on the fence” about having kids, but after becoming an egg donor for her sister, and her mother dying just over a year ago, her priorities became clear.
“It became very clear to me that I did not want to delay becoming a mother,” she said. “About the same time, I decided to get off the dating apps.”
Like many women, Casey said she felt she was putting in a lot more effort into men and dating than she was getting back. Stepping back from the apps was a relief. “I think I knew, even before I stepped away from it, that it was something that I needed to cut out for my life,” Casey said.
Casey bought a home in upstate New York with two friends. The three have their own space and it’s where she will raise her child.
The gallery director said she is still experiencing much of life the same as couples do, citing a deep and strong network of friendships and family bonds. “I’m just doing it with these other people in my life. We think about single people being solo, but it’s just different interests,” she said.
The mom-to-be is being supported by the Single Mothers by Choice group, who advocate for women who want to have children without a partner, and have helped over 40,00 women. “Each year we get more new members than the previous year,” said the organization’s president, Kat Curtin.
“The stigma has changed,” Kat said, citing advances in fertility and better career options for women. “There’s more awareness about being able to do this. Being a single mother by choice doesn’t mean raising your child alone.”
Before she became president, Kat joined as a member in 2014 when she abandoned the premise that she needed to find a husband before having a child. “I knew that I could live without ever having a partner or husband,” she said. “But I really didn’t think I could without being a mother. That gave me the freedom to stop dating because I was dating in a way that felt like a job. It wasn’t fun.”
After enduring six years of fertility struggles, Kat gave birth to her now 5-year-old daughter Nora. She’s also in a relationship again, which she credits to being possible because the pressure to find a co-parent was removed.
“I’m confident and comfortable that if my partner and I don’t work out, he’ll have a role in Nora’s life,” Kat said. “But I fully define myself as a ‘mommy and me family’ to Nora. We are the core and I’m raising her by myself.”
Casey, meanwhile, is focusing on the imminent arrival of her baby and said it has been “empowering” to see women before her buck the trend and go it alone — although she is open to the possibility of a future relationship.
“I think the more we see other women do things on their own, the more emboldened we are to know that we can do it ourselves and we don’t have to wait around for things to conventionally happen,” Casey said.
“The more that we talk about these things, the easier it is for people to realize that there are other ways that you can make your life,” she said.
