“Modern Manners: Advice for Social Dilemmas” has been a beloved column in REAL SIMPLE magazine for years. We’ve heard from etiquette experts, our friends Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager at TODAY, and plenty more guests who listen to your dilemmas and provide advice. For our 25th birthday, we took a look back at some of our juiciest dilemmas and followed up with the advice seekers to find out if the expert advice came in handy.

Shutting Down a Friend Who Orders Food for the Table

Rebecca asked former Modern Manners columnist Michelle Buteau for help with a friend who was always ordering food for the table-without waiting for or consulting her dinner companions. The orderer had good-enough intentions, but her excitement left everyone having to split a bill for food they didn’t want.

The Advice

Michelle wisely suggested that Rebecca check out the menu beforehand and say something like “I love these two dishes. Please get them for me,” or even a to-the-point “Hey, could you just wait for me?”

The Follow-Up

“The advice was great,” Rebecca says, adding that it empowered her to tell her friend, during their next dinner out, that she didn’t want a specific dish. “Getting validation from the column helped. And I have used the advice with other groups as well—having more of a discussion before just letting people order because I feel bad about saying no, and then being resentful later.”

If there’s one thing that comes up again and again in this column, it’s the fact that speaking up, respectfully, is always the way to go!

Asking Neighbors to Shut Off Their Porch Light

Beth’s across-the-street neighbors installed a floodlight instead of a porch light. They leave it on pretty much all the time, and it shines directly into her house. She asked Michelle how best to handle this.

The Advice

Michelle’s response was simple: “Bring a basket of something delicious. Introduce yourself, compliment their home, then get to the floodlight.” She said to explain that the light makes it hard to sleep at night (even with blackout curtains) and to suggest a motion sensor, reminding Beth that “you attract more flies with honey than vinegar.”

The Follow-Up

“I know this isn’t going to go over well, but I didn’t take the advice, and I did absolutely nothing about the situation,” Beth says. The light is still a maddening issue, and while it’s never good to suffer in silence and stew, Beth says it was more important to her to keep the peace. Ultimately, she didn’t want to risk rocking the neighborhood boat.

Dealing With In-Laws Who Are Bad Drivers

With a baby on the way, Caitlin asked longtime Modern Manners columnist Catherine Newman how to deal with her in-laws and their terrible driving.

“I’m frightened to get in a car with them, let alone allow them to take my baby places,” she wrote. Caitlin wanted to know how she could accept the grandparents’ offer to help, but with a no-driving caveat.

The Advice

The ever-thoughtful Catherine proposed transparency—with a little white lie. She suggested a line like “I’m thrilled that you two want to be so involved in the baby’s life, but I don’t feel comfortable with other people driving our child around.”

The Follow-Up

“We weren’t able to fully go that route, as my own parents were critically helpful with babysitting and transportation,” Caitlin says. “We were fortunate that it didn’t end up being a huge issue.”

It’s been 10 years, and Caitlin has a new strategy for including but not offending her mother-in-law: “She will meet us at our son’s hockey games, but we have never asked her to take him to one.”

Understanding Gifts Versus Hand-Me-Downs

An anonymous mom wrote to Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager wondering how to talk to her kids about some bad gifts from relatives. “Bad” meaning “used.” As in coloring books with pages scribbled in, and used toys with missing pieces. “My kids are hurt and insulted by this, thinking they aren’t worthy of receiving something nicer,” she lamented.

The Advice

Always fair and reasonable, Jenna and Hoda pointed out that some people are just not great gift givers. They also pointed out that the gift you’re given does not determine your worth and suggested a little reframe: Think of these as hand-me-downs, not gifts. “And take a hand-me-down for what it’s worth,” Hoda said.

The Follow-Up

The advice seeker says this shift in mindset has helped. “I’ve also tried to explain to my kids that sometimes a used item can be a good gift.” (It’s less wasteful! The item has been extra loved!) Of course, that’s not always the case, she says, like when it’s a book with ripped-out pages.

“I encourage them to be polite when receiving any gift and then decide later what to do with it. I have, on occasion, ordered a new replacement of something they got that’s used or broken so they could enjoy it fully.”

Gracefully Expressing Hurt Feelings

Katherine moved to a new area from the other side of the country, and she was tired of being mocked by a woman in her book club anytime she mispronounced the name of a local town. “I’m gracious in the moment and shrug it off,” she wrote. “But it truly does hurt my feelings and seems rude of her to laugh.” Katherine asked Jenna and Hoda what she should do.

The Advice

“Sometimes people make jokes not knowing they’re pushing a button,” Jenna said. Hoda advised pulling the woman aside to let her know that the jokes hurt. “Once you tell someone it’s your sensitive spot, that helps. We all have one,” Hoda added.

The Follow-Up

“I truly appreciate Hoda’s and Jenna’s thoughts,” Katherine says. “But I do think it minimizes the fact that what this book club member is doing is objectively rude and would likely bother most people.”

While we certainly hear Katherine’s point, we know that when trying to come to a resolution (rather than vent your anger), saying “You’re being rude” is far less effective than saying “I feel hurt when you do that.”

The Best and Worst Etiquette Advice Ever

Current Modern Manners maven Jenna Bush Hager and her pal Savannah Guthrie shared the best and worst etiquette advice they’ve ever heard:

The Best

Jenna Bush Hager: Be a good listener. If you’re going to a dinner party, don’t be thinking about what you’re going to say. Be curious about who’s sitting next to you.

The Worst

Savannah Guthrie: No elbows on the table. This isn’t Downton Abbey. Lean in to hear the people you’re with, and put your elbows on the table!