We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous.

Now, onto this week’s topic: how to try orgasm control.

Q: “Hi, so I read in one of your last columns that orgasm control can be a hot way to dominate your partner. I’ve vaguely heard of it before, but I don’t know how it actually works. I would love step-by-step instructions for how to try orgasm control for the first time. Does it work any differently for men as opposed to women? My partner and I both want to try it on each other. Thanks!”

A: Thanks for the question! First, let’s go over the basics. Orgasm control means exactly what it sounds like — controlling and prolonging the timing of your orgasm. Typically, it’s done by getting to the brink of orgasm, then stopping, slowing down, or lessening stimulation until your arousal levels drop. Then you get back to the edge of orgasm, and repeat as many times as you want.

The basic process of orgasm control can help your sexual interactions last longer. You can also use orgasm control to incorporate power play dynamics into the experience by having one person be in control of the other partner’s orgasm. You can practice orgasm control alone, which is typically called “edging,” and you can practice it with a partner.

The Benefits Of Orgasm Control

Practicing orgasm control can have a lot of great benefits. It usually leads to much stronger orgasms, since it builds tension over a longer period of time. People who practice orgasm control can also learn how to last longer in the bedroom. If you feel like your hookups end too quickly, it might be worth a try.

It can also be really hot to put another trusted person in complete control of your orgasm, which is what would happen if your partner slowed down right before you finished.

Of course, before trying any of this, it’s important to discuss and clearly establish your boundaries with your partner — including what each of you are and aren’t interested in exploring, how you’ll each communicate if you don’t want to engage in a specific activity, and how to honor each other’s limits.

How To Try Orgasm Control

Practice On Your Own

To test and see if you like edging, try it on your own. Most people tend to masturbate in a pretty linear way, meaning they try to orgasm as quickly and efficiently as possible. But if you want to be able to stop yourself (or be stopped by a partner) before reaching orgasm, you have to learn when to stop yourself.

Most people have what’s called a “point of no return.” Once you hit that point, you can’t stop your orgasm, no matter what you do. In order to even attempt orgasmic control, you have to learn to recognize the signs of your “point of no return.”

As you masturbate, try to get a sense of what your body is doing as you start to approach orgasm. Do your toes start to curl? Does your breathing pick up? Try stopping as you notice these signs and letting your arousal levels fall. Then start up again, and get yourself close to orgasm again. Repeat the whole process as many times as you’d like.

Show Your Partner

Next, you and your partner can try edging yourselves in front of each other, one at a time. the goal is to show each other what it looks like as you get close to orgasm. If they’re just watching and not participating, they can keep an eye out for all the tiny details.

This helps your partner get more familiar with your orgasm and learn what the signs of your point of no return are, like those toe curls or breathing changes. You can also fill them in on what you noticed while experimenting by yourself. The more you talk about it, the easier it’ll be for them to spot the signs.

Of course, you can also announce it during sex by saying you’re close, and that’ll be their cue to back off. But sometimes it’s fun when they’re able to tell all on their own.

Take Control Of Your Partner’s Masturbation

Another way to practice is by taking over control of your partner’s orgasm. Have them start masturbating in front of you and when you notice them start to get really aroused, tell them to stop.

You can also ask them to tell you when they’re getting too close, or even to give you a signal (like raising a finger) when they’re approaching orgasm. Give them about 30 seconds to a minute of break time, then tell them to start up again. Repeat this about three times, then tell them to make themselves come.

You can switch roles right away, or the next time. As you continue playing with orgasm control, you can increase the number of times you make each other stop and start again.

Practice Orgasm Controlling Your Partner

To take it to the next level, try being the one to stimulate your partner while still controlling their orgasm. You can give them a hand job or finger them, have oral sex, or have intercourse. Tell them to let you know when they’re getting too close or to give a signal. You can also practice getting more in tune with knowing when to stop.

Add The Power Play

Once you’ve got the basics down, you can add more of the power play dynamics if you’d like. Before hooking up, pick which one of you is going to be in control. Have that person tell the other person that they’re not allowed to come unless they have explicit permission — it all adds to the atmosphere.

You can also play up the dynamic by offering reminders while you’re being intimate. Say things like, “You better not be getting too close,” or, “You’re going to be in trouble if you come before I give you permission.”

Another option is to taunt them with things like, “I bet you want to come, don’t you?” Make them beg you for permission.

Take It To The Next Level

There are lots of fun ways to keep playing with orgasm control together. It could be fun to create rules, like one of you can’t finish until the other says so. If you’re into it, you could also incorporate “punishments,” like one of you can’t orgasm again until the next time you’re intimate.

To add an extra layer, try incorporating restraints, like the Sportsheets Under The Bed Restraint system, to tie one partner up. You’ll create an impossibly high level of sexual frustration.

Another trick is to try orgasm control over an extended period of time. Put one partner in control over all of the other partner’s orgasms for a few days, or even a week. The partner in control can’t even masturbate unless given permission.

How To Talk About Trying Something New

Trying something new in bed can be exciting, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy necessarily easy to broach the subject with a partner. “Many couples are uncomfortable asking for what they want sexually, directing their partner, and expressing pleasure,” Stefani Threadgill, sex therapist and founder of The Sex Therapy Institute, previously told Bustle.

To make it less awkward, make the conversation fun. Threadgill recommended talking about what turns you on and asking your partner to do the same. You can also show each other how you like to be touched. Once the convo is flowing, it’ll be easier to bring up new positions you’d like to try, share your fantasies, and chat about edging.

Need more courage? “When you can openly and candidly talk with your partner about sexuality and intimacy you’ll feel more connected, increase your pleasure potential, and have a more meaningful relationship,” Amy Levine, a sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure, previously told Bustle.

By being upfront about what you’d like to try, you’ll not only have more fun, but you’ll also feel closer.

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Sources:

Stefani Threadgill, sex therapist, founder of The Sex Therapy Institute

Amy Levine, sex coach, founder of Ignite Your Pleasure